At the crossroads

Life is all about the choices you make while living it. I’ve felt there are times when you need to choose between things and situations. The problem is when you need to choose in relationships. Even when you know there may be a lot of pain ahead and lot of dissapointments you cannot make that decision of letting go. I dont know what stops it from being made. Love? Guilt? Attachment? Helplessness? or the Fear of Losing? .. I dont know.

A woman should have a feeling of control over her destiny. She should know how to fall in love and not lose herself and when to try harder and when to walk away, what she would and would not do for love or more and how to live alone even if she does not like it… atleast thats what the greeting cards say!..
I thought I knew all of this until I realized I truly love somebody and I have no control over anything. Its strange how love can weaken you when it is supposed to be your strength.  Being in love now, I feel, how would it not be possible to lose yourself when you realize that you are required to change yourself constantly in a relationship. Its not like a change is forced upon you ..Its just that you at times realize the consequences of not changing  that may force you to think about change.
Can you really know when you can walk away? What if you never considered that option .. Am wondering what trying harder means and what people mean when they say you need to put effort to make a relationship work. Is it not supposed to be a place where you are accepted the way you are? But then it is a catch isnt it..when you know it is not possible not to expect certain things. I would expect someone i love to love me equally..
I was always told that you need to find a person who loves you more that you love him. It did not make sense to me then… I always thought it would not be fair if i cannot reciprocate the same love to him. Maybe i was wrong..Maybe that would have been easier but i realise i love him more..more than he will ever.
I wonder how people get over their relationships and move on… I do realize that at times there is no choice..Your mind plays funny tricks when things are not well…People can live alone , survive , find other people and move on in life but at times it makes you think what if that is not what you want at all….

 If all you want, is to be with someone no matter what… how can you survive in that relationship and still keep your dignity. When would you be able to admit to yourself and say No… or know how long you need to wait… or do you just believe that love is only what you read in fairy tale books and that reality is all about adjustments.

A lazy Sunday afternoon

Its a rain soaked day at Mumbai when it prepares for the farewell of its favourite God today evening. The roads in Mumbai will be flooded and the beaches will be crowded with people who will witness the immersions of the Ganesh idols which will be brought from all over the city ‘pandals’. The procession of Lalbaug ka Raja is covered by most TV channels. I am amazed at the fact that people queue up for 12 to 18 hours for just one glimpse of the imposing Ganesh idol.

As all of Mumbai gears up for the hustle bustle of the evening, I sit at my home enjoying the cool climate , watching the rain from my room & cuddling up with a book which has a collection of articles written by Behram Contractor (Busybee).

When I first read his articles that appeared in the ‘Afternoon’ daily, I was too young to appreciate them. Today when I undersand and am able to appreciate his work, he is no longer a part of this world. I wonder what he would have written about in this day and time. It would have been interesting to read about the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony , the fuss over Big Boss on TV , the drama that unfolded recently in the Indian Parliament and all of that ; from his perspective.

Its time now to go back and enjoy the rest of my Sunday before the start of another week ahead.

Penny wise Pound foolish!

Penny wise Pound foolish…That’s what I am

I left from work earlier than usual. There was not much to do today and I thought I’d spend the extra time to buy something for a friend in India who had recently discovered of her pregnancy after over a year after being married. I took the MRT and got off at Dhoby Ghaut. I remembered having seen a store there which might have something I can pick for her. I took the escalator up and entered the Plaza Singapura located right above the MRT. One of the most convenient locations for shopping since you never even have to get out of the building and can enter a place which had 3-4 levels of shopping. A little too convenient for a self confessed shopoholic like myself.

I spotted the store I had to visit at the 3rd level and looked for the escalator. Then I saw the magic sign at a store right in front of me .. Sale upto 50%.. “Upto” that’s the catch word there I reminded myself… I browsed through the store and came out proud with no money spent.As I was about to take the escalator I saw a famous brand having a sale too.”50% off” I approached it to find “on purchase of a second item from a limited range only” in small letters below. Disgusting!..I thought to myself and took the escalator.

It is strange how these malls usually have circular floors and to take an escalator to a higher floor you usually need to walk around the floor.See the problem here?.. Well, you need to guard yourself from the lure of all the stores you pass offering “attractive discounts” or “summer sale” or “clearance sale“. The last one i admit i find difficult to resist.

And then I saw a boutique… “Rose of Sharon”.. Seemed pricey (Even the name sounds a bit pricey. Doesnt it?) . “Avoid” my mind warned. There were mannequins with beautiful dresses…I entered the shop on an impulse and as I browsed through the beautiful , silky dresses ..I decided to try one…It was a vintage retro dress.. I do not even know what that means..but I liked it. All the time, as my mind warned against it..the temptress in me said “Whats wrong with trying?..You dont have to buy it!”…The dress looked beautiful.It covered my flaws and accentuated my waist.. The store lady looked admiringly .. (And) I looked thinner in it.. Hmmm… I knew what I had to do…So I silenced my mind and let the temptress rule.

I left the shop with a very lighter wallet and a huge guilt… The guilt part came immediately after leaving the store..   . Did I buy something for my friend?… Ofcourse, I did ..So there goes; another experience in this shopper’s paradise.

All this fuss over a neck-tie!

It was a regular day at office for me. I was at a client’s location. It somehow seemed
not just a regular day for all others around me. The men around seemed like they had taken
a few extra minutes grooming themselves today with crisply ironed out shirts and even ties

Most of them were visibly uncomfortable having a tie around their necks while most were figuring
out whats the best way they could tie it around.”I’m waiting to get this off my neck”, one man murmured to his colleague. As I worked on my laptop and glanced around I was wondering what the fuss was all about. Do most of them have some important meeting today?..Thats strange; I wondered.

Then I found out that the Chairman was scheduled to visit and everyone was at their very best attire.
They were also asked to stay put in their seats for the next two hours ..  Ah!… no wonder; I mused.

I find it amusing really, all this fuss over a neck tie.. I do not understand it.. I think the
shirts themselves look quite good and the hanging piece of cloth around the neck does not
necessarily add any aesthetic value. Atleast not to me.. but with ties priced the way they are, and many fashion houses designing these, I guess most of them appreciate wearing it.

I would appreciate a man wearing a clean , crisp white shirt and formal trousers any day with or without the extra add-on around his neck. Guess I am being too opinionated on things these days or maybe i should just stop looking around

An Indian perspective

Its been almost 15 days since I am here, in Singapore, on project assignment.The quiet life here , the ease and comfort of this place is something anyone working in a crowded , fast paced city like Mumbai will come to appreciate. The fast growing economy of this sixth wealthiest country in the world no doubt attracts a number of Indians who have made Singapore their home away from home.

I am very intrigued by the fact that most of the people I see in my current place of work are Indians living here as permanent residents (still retaining their indian citizenships) or software professional like myself working on project assignments here.

 It intrigues me to see these people out of the Indian context and in their life here. I can relate to most of them but some I cannot. The ones I cannot are people who I feel are now Singaporeans, the only resemblance to their being Indian is probably their looks that distinguish them from other Singaporeans.
I picture a person here walking comfortably on his way to office, taking an MRT , walking into Starbucks on his way to pick up his morning coffee , working at office and taking the MRT while back home. His work pressures and his personal problems apart; this individual is at comfort. When I picture the same person in Mumbai , probably back from his assignment; his daily schedule then has to adapt to the pace of Mumbai life. His daily schedule would then probably be standing in a long bus queue and squeezing himself into an overcrowded bus, trying to get his foot onto the next overcrowded train if he has by mistake missed his regular local, travelling for around  1 hour at the minimum if he is lucky to have his house relatively closer to his place of work. Thinking probably at work, that if he takes the 08:00 pm call with the client, he will have to miss his train and have another struggle to reach home…..All this!!  and we have ‘experts’ figuring out why lives of the working professionals in Indian cities are becoming extremely stressful.
I am not being critical or trying to use these comparisons to draw home a point. I’m just
writing my thoughts and hoping that someday , hopefully soon, people in Indian cities too
can lead less stressful lives and are atleast assured of safe and smooth transport in their regular commute.

4.5 ‘ taller

My feet ached as I struted across the street on my way back to the hotel yesterday. I had worn a pair of black stilettoes to work, one of the beautiful looking pointed toe ones that I picked up from Anabel’s quaint little shoe-store at Bugis. I was waiting to get back , remove them and lie down on the bed.

I love wearing heels. I like feeling taller than most around. I love the way they make you walk. Poised , Lady-like with slow steps , serenly graceful. Most of the time when I wear them, I like to stretch my legs forward or cross them so that I can admire them on my feet.. Vanity!!..I know.

It was comfortable walking on the carpeted floor of the office. Once on the way to the food court walking on the granite flooring of the mall and through the MRT , it turned out to be quite an ordeal.I wonder how women wear them almost everyday to work. I saw a lady in the train today wearing a short skirt, exposing the varicose veins on her thigh.. and the heels she was wearing would have definitely aggravated that condition.

I’d rather take to wearing them only for a brief visit to a nearby mall or maybe a restaurant or a movie where get to sit most of the times. For tomorrow, flats will do just fine.

Passion Flowers

 

As I wake up this morning, a beautiful pair of bright passion flowers growing on a creeper on my window frame , greet me. These uniquely beautiful flowers are a marvel to look at and are one of my favorites. I marvelled at them as a child when I first saw these little beauties. There were so complex and so different from the others. The flower I saw as a child stayed in my mind as a beautiful memory  and I never saw it again until a few months ago when I finally found this creeper.

My regular rangoli design at my doorstep is also inspired by Its beautiful leaves and curly tendrils.

Its called “Krisha kamal” in Hindi…I wonder why?… But its beautiful and I am happy to see a flower on the vine each morning in this rainy season here in Bombay. One of my favorite passion flower photos on Flickr is called “A boat over the sea of passion” .I love this mosaic on Flickr too

Where the passion flower grows

 Lay down on your pillow
and turn the lights down low
let me take you to the garden
where the passion flower grows
 
Touch the tender petals
of the flower as she grows
a tentative endeavour
as your feelings overflow
Let me draw you to the place
where ecstasy can be embraced
the beauty of the garden
where the passion flower grows

Feel your mind exploding
in the heavy scented air
experience the shiver
as you’re captured unaware
A little touch of heaven
where imagination flows
the valley in the garden
where the passion flower grows.

Charles M. Moore

A beautiful day

The rains have arrived in Bombay. Its a windy and rainy day here today. The city looks greener. The white buildings in the landscape look brighter. The breeze feels dewy & the mind feels calm. Its almost like someone up there has decided to clean up the city and rid it of all the impurities. It starts in the morning and keeps falling at regular intervals till the end of the day.

But its not just the rains that made it a beautiful day for me. Its the one person I held hands with and walked carefree on the streets that has made it special.

 

 

Simple tales

I have been reading a good book these days. Books can be a great way to escape the turbulences of your mind ; and for that particular reason I now read books that tell simple stories of people and their lives. For a bit of thrill and adventure I would prefer a movie.

The book, I am reading, is a compilation of short stories by Indian authors and these stories range from happenings in a curd seller woman’s life in South India, a man struggling with his guilt on his identity, a boy in Maharashtra whose happiness knows no bounds because of the simple pleasure of being gifted a one rupee silver coin by his father and his innocent admission of struggling to find out what he can do with it. Stories like these remind me of all the simple tales one grows up with and which are only to be forgotten completely as life moves on. Sometimes , I feel ,I just refuse to grow up. I smile at myself when I still remember stories of a little boy Zanzibar and his dog set in the Himalayas, the bedtime stories of Tom Thumb and many such fascinating ones I had read as a chid. The beautiful illustrations and pictures are still vivid in my memory.

Even today when I browse through a bookstore, I cannot help but pick up an Amar Chitra Katha or a Tinkle or a comic on Akbar Birbal tales. The simplicity of the characters in them and the stories themselves stay with you and make you smile. Its really dissapointing to see that the wit of Birbal or Tenali Rama , the innocence in most of these stories and their simplicity do not hold the attention of the children today.

 

 

Its fixed!

This was a few days ago..It was a regular day at the office yet not the usual. On my way back from office , I took an autorickshaw like I usually do… Once on the highway, every autorickshaw driver drives in a way that makes you feel like saying a prayer when you reach your destination safely.
As I sat in the auto thinking of my day and all the uncertainties I felt today, I was totally oblivious to the speed at which the auto rickshaw was moving till I felt like it suddenly started slowing down and would stop. Amongst all the thoughts that were floating in my mind, a new fear of being stranded on the highway took over and prompted me to act fast. Fearing that the weird sound when the auto stopped was due to a puncture, I asked my driver what the problem was. My driver was a young man who gave me the Been there Done there look and without answering stepped out of the auto to check.

I stepped out too to check if it was a puncture… I saw him going to the back of the Auto to check the engine. Then he took something that looked like a small hammer , hit something behind , started the rickshaw and waited for me to get in. “That’s it!” I thought .. “Its fixed?” I asked him.. Hmmm… and then we drove… Something about this made me smile… I realized I was no longer thinking of my worries but was taking in all these little things that are so part of Bombay life.